Dreams, Soul-Suckers and Change Posted on 19 Dec 12:33 , 0 comments
I can’t stand Soul-Suckers.
At around 26 years old, I started to see my human relationships as a type of a homo-erectus osmosis. Once I comprehended that we are reflections of the people we spend the most time with, I understood that the energy of others affect us and change us internally, metaphorically, and every other which way. I understand that exchanging energy is a constant on Earth as well as a necessity, whether if it’s briefly meeting a stranger on the street, spending time with a best friend, a relative, or significant other. I realized that I didn’t want to surround myself with anyone who was negative, self- depreciating, or unmotivated.
A lot of people tend to find comfort at some point in their lives, and for some- instead of pursuing their wildest dreams, they choose to let their whispers of "what could have been" take the backseat to a safe reality which is perfectly fine and awesome...
EXCEPT when they start to make YOU feel guilty about pursuing your own DREAMS.
These people are better known as Soul-Suckers. Vampires, Rogue Hellions! Dementors! Wringwraiths! These are those people who resent themselves in the form of outwardly judging someone else’s ambition.
I’ve always been a tremendous dreamer. So let me tell you, there’s nothing worse than enthusiastically expressing your desires and hopes to someone you believe to be supportive of you, only to have them downplay what you’re doing or shoot down your goals by instilling ideas into your head that you’re unworthy or delusional.
I remember this one time I had just finished explaining my hopes and goals of becoming an artist to someone, and their reply was one of incomprehension and doubt with the words “..But what are you going to do for money?” Or that one time when I shared an idea that I was really excited about and they immediately judged it, criticized it by pointing all of the obstacles that could happen and then asked me why I’d still pursue my artistic goals in the first place. I couldn’t help but think to myself, “All I’m doing is making art? Why can’t you just be happy for me? I've found what makes me happy. I mean really, what the fuck?!”
“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events;
small minds discuss people.”
A major change of perspective is needed from time to time to help me climb out of the dark precipice in my mind that I would sometimes crawl into. It’s the same precipice that is nestled below Dracula’s Castle with scary dense fog and werewolves howling. A pitch-black bottomless black hole with no end. Self- doubt can be found here too, as well as all those damn Soul-Suckers... Vampires. Actually it’s a void dwelling. A place I would allegorically visit when eartlhy emotions and metaphorical shit would fly. It was very easy for me to go there, fall into the dark wallowing shadows and get lost.
A younger version of myself once hung out with friends whom loved to drink. This was not a positive influence for me seeing as I'm a lightweight and can get emotional when belligerent. My mind now reverts to an unpleasant memory- One of onset.
I came home after a night out of drinking with friends, and I was a mess. When I would get like this, it was habit for me to return down into the dark precipice and lead my brain into thinking that I was deserving of the lack of success in my life. I entered this negative and self-depreciating headspace and would blame myself for everything wrong in my life. After this ultimate pity party, I proceeded to pass out on my bed only to wake up and appropriately vomit it all out. These weekend habits made me feel like the shittiest version of myself.
There I was. Somewhere around 2007, I remember crying into my pillow on my bed whilst listening to Ray LaMontagne's Empty on repeat like a melancholy hipster in training. I was trying to make sense of life and why I felt stilfled. I felt like I was stuck. I had to start paying attention to what really made me happy. I had to start doing the work.
The need to focus on what I truly wanted for myself in this life was essential. This was not a habit I had adopted before, but after so many nights of coming home and spending time with people who made me feel like an extinguished form of myself, I had to change. I was fed up, mostly with how I had been allowing negative elements to seep into my life. I knew damn well I wasn't supposed to be where I was and that was a choice I was always in control of.
The voice in my head was always telling me I was destined for so much more. Literally that voice would talk to me when I was little (and now). It would say to me that “I was meant to be great, so get up and move.” It’s the voice that sounds like you and guides you whether you listen to it or not, aka a magical borderline english cricket in a top hat.
"If your heart is in your dream, no request is too extreme."
I just had to decide to cut the negatives from my life. And once I did, I started to permanently claw and crawl out of Dracula’s precipice. I changed my entire perspective. I escaped the Vampires. I had to change my habits, and life. Throw me a muthafuckin garlic bone!
Nowadays, I obsess with figuring out ways to push myself and be Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. I don't have the boobage but I've got enough attitude to mentally Double D that shit. I also think about what little things I can do on an everyday basis that will bring me closer to my goals. From changes in my diet- to productive activities. Are there phone calls I can make? Drawings I can work on? Books I can read? People to paint? Paintings to finish?! I mean really though, how can I make the most out of my time here? How can I instill the most amount of meaning and fucking heart into what I do? Life is so short and I always freak out about the short amount of time we’re given to experience and achieve what our hearts were meant to. Anxiety is like seriously a driving force!
Cut to present day. I’m finding myself in a place where people are starting to take note of my art and express their fondness over it. It’s a great feeling to be remembered by someone for my creative endeavors. Like when I run into them and the first thing they ask me is “How is your art coming along?” or “When is your next show?!”
I can tell you those positive sentiments most likely would not have come into reality had I not pulled myself away from the vampires and self-doubt. Now more than ever, I find myself having truly great, supportive and loving people in my life. People who push me and make me want to be better. The right people. Although change is constant, and people come into and out of our lives everyday, the wrong ones wean themselves out and the right ones stay. (Nevermind the genius of that ryhme.)
Pay attention to how others make you feel about yourself and let that feeling carry you in the right direction.
Do more good things for yourself.
Get that goodness.
"Always let your conscience be your guide."
Photography by Sara Martin